


why do i keep dreaming of you?

by stellarfluid



Series: rebel hearts club [1]
Category: Mystery Skulls Animated
Genre: Anxiety, Arthur has Type-One Diabetes, Bisexual Lewis Pepper, Depression, Gay Arthur Kingsmen, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, Lesbian Vivi Yukino, M/M, Mutual Pining, Songfic, Survivor Guilt, Unrequited Love, because I said so, first aid kit, kinda! secretly!, kinda....
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-11-27 19:33:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20953751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellarfluid/pseuds/stellarfluid
Summary: Nothing matters, all is futile / and it's fading fastI fell so hard, so blindly / had to come back and bite meI want to give so much so freely / not have to take it backNothing matters, all is futile / and its in the past.Lewis is gone, and Arthur is trying to pick up the pieces.





	1. i don't know if that's true

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is an old fic that i started like, a year ago, then decided to come back to this year. i also decided that im gonna pretty much rewrite all of it AND make a collection so i can turn it into more of a series, so i decided to just start fresh. so here we are! i hope you like it! please leave feed back! :^)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're more of lovers; not fighters.
> 
> At least, that's what Arthur thinks now.

_You told me once I have a rebel heart._  
_ I don’t know if that’s true,_  
_but I believe you saw something in me_  
_ that lives inside you, too._

* * *

It was early September and the Mystery Skulls were back on their bullshit.

“Bullshit”, to Arthur, meant they were in the middle of supernatural woods in the dead of night. There was no way Arthur was sleeping until they were out of there. Vivi had already passed out on the mattress in the back, curled up with Mystery in a mess of blankets and her stuffed turtle. Lewis had chosen to drive, leaving Arthur in the passenger seat amidst nearly complete silence, Lewis’ music playing softly in the background. Arthur could see Lewis in the reflection of the passenger mirror, bobbing his head a bit to the soft beat coming from the van’s radio.

He tried not to stare. He had caught himself staring at Lewis quite a bit recently -- too much recently -- and he didn’t like it.Watching made him feel weird. There would be this pain in his chest, and his heart would beat too fast.

What was worse was the way he felt when he saw Lewis with Vivi. It would give him a weird sense of what was almost _ jealousy _, which would then make him feel guilty; a sense of guilt that would refuse to go away. He was still feeling that guilt even now.

He feared that this was making things weird between him and Lewis. He really, truly hoped not. His strange feelings of guilt were far outweighed by his incapacitating fear of losing Lewis, of being abandoned and forgotten, and for it to be his own fault. He couldn’t even stand the thought of losing Lewis, not only because he knew he would lose Vivi, the only other friend he had, in the process, but… well. He didn’t know.

The only thing he knew for certain was that he loved Lewis so _ so _much. Everything about Lewis was amazing and wonderful… something that Arthur wanted to be around for the rest of eternity.

Maybe that was the problem.

Another song came on the radio now, and Arthur’s heart skipped a beat. Lewis had the aux cord plugged into his own phone, didn’t he? Then why was a song by one of Arthur’s favorite bands playing? And… did he just see Lewis turn the song up?

The band that was playing was a more folksy band than what he and his friends usually listened to. Arthur’s taste in music had always been varied, so he knew and expected that all the music he was fond of wouldn’t be quite as appreciated by his friends… he assumed this band in particular would be one of the ones that didn’t fit Lewis’ own personal taste. He guessed, now, that he must have been wrong.

Arthur sunk into his seat. It was a bit embarrassing that, of all the songs by this band Lewis could decide he liked, it was this song he chose to listen to. This was one of those weird songs that seemed to hit Arthur where it hurt; one of those ones that gave him this weird sense of heartache; that he felt was strangely personal. 

_ Why do I do this to myself every time?_  
_ I know the way it ends before it's even begun;_  
_I’m the only one at the finish line._

He wasn’t sure how he felt about Lewis listening to it. 

He did enjoy listening to the song himself, though, so for a moment, he closed his eyes and let the song play, focusing on the words and the flow of the melody and trying to pretend that he didn’t feel like he was indirectly baring his heart to Lewis then and there in the van.

When the song was a little more than halfway over, Arthur decided that he was done pretending to be asleep. The more he sat there, the more awkward he felt, despite the attempts to ignore his feelings. He sighed, and shifted in his seat, moving so he was no longer slumped over and curled up to the side and was facing the front of the back. He rolled his head and stretched a bit, trying to loosen the knots that had formed in his neck and back from the not-quite-prime sleeping position. 

Lewis turned to look at him. “Oh, sorry,” he said, hand flitting to the volume knob. “Didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“You didn’t,” Arthur said, still stretching. “I was already awake. Don’t turn the song down, I like this song.” He dropped his arms. “Didn’t think you’d be that interested in the band, though.”

Lewis snorted. “What do you mean by that?”

“I dunno!” Arthur said, throwing his hands up despite the goofy grin that had definitely crossed his face. “It just didn’t seem like your type of music!”

“I guarantee that if you like the music, I’ll like the music,” Lewis said, smiling. Arthur's heart was pounding in a way that made him uncomfortable.

"Yeah, whatever," he said, keeping up his "everything-is-fine-we're-just-guys-being-bros-joking-around" front. His attempt quickly went to waste, though, as his statement fell slightly flat, and he and Lewis had entered a weird, awkward silence that Arthur knew both of them noticed and neither of them liked. The song continued:

_ I took a trip out to the frozen lake,_  
_ and you felt so far away._  
_But I could feel it washing over me;_  
_there’s no escaping the harsh light of day._

Arthur swallowed hard.

“Hey…” Lewis said, his voice soft and concerned as he looked at Arthur through the corner of his eye, “...are you okay?”

“I--” Arthur began. He wasn’t quite sure what to say. He knew exactly what was bothering him, but there was no way in hell he was going to say it. “I mean, yeah,” he settled for, “I’m fine. I think it’s just these creepy woods freaking me out.” It wasn't necessarily a lie; the woods _were_ still giving him the jitters. Lewis hummed considerately; a sound that Arthur had grown quite fond of.

As if he hadn’t become quite fond of _ literally everything else _ about Lewis, he thought with a sinking feeling in his gut.

“You’re going to be okay,” Lewis said softly. Then he laughed a bit, adding, “I’ll protect you.”

Now it was Arthur’s turn to snort. “Oh, yeah?” he asked. “What are you going to do? Fight a demon?”

“If I had to, you bet I would.”

Arthur snickered and rolled his eyes. “Yeah, right,” he said; then, afraid it would fall flat again, added, “I think you’re too much of a lover.” Okay, that definitely made it worse. “L-like, ‘a lover, not a fighter’ or whatever!” he added in a rush, trying to remedy his mistake. “You know what I mean! You wouldn’t hurt a fly!”

Lewis let out that laugh of his, loud and booming, yet still unable to wake Vivi and Mystery from their peaceful slumber. Arthur loved Lewis’ laugh _ so _much. Too much. So much it hurt.

“That is _ so not true,” _Lewis said, his shoulders still bouncing with laughter, “but if you say so, I guess!”

“Oh, shut up,” Arthur said. “Quit denying it.”

Lewis did not shut up, and Arthur couldn’t quite tell if he had stopped denying, either. “Okay, but really,” Lewis said, “I think if anyone fits the ‘lover, not a fighter’ description it’s you, Artie.”

“No, I’m just chicken.”

“Now it’s your turn to shut up,” Lewis stated, and Arthur really did shut up. He couldn’t argue with Lewis, even over dumb, goofy things like this. He sighed.

The van fell into that awkward silence yet again, causing Arthur to fidget uncomfortably at the hem of his shirt. He wondered if Lewis had noticed how weird this was for the two of them too -- how this had never happened before, how weird it was that it was happening now -- and was beginning to wonder and make his own conclusions about what was happening between us. Arthur hadn’t been listening to the song as it still played, until he zoned back into just to hear the end of the bridge leading into the final chorus.

_ I always knew, always knew_  
_ 'til I didn’t know._  
_Why do I do this to myself every time?_

“I’m serious, though, Arthur,” Lewis said, interrupting the rest of that ending refrain. “You’re literally the sweetest person I have ever met. Like, you’re so sweet, you could make people sick.” A pause. “That was supposed to be a complement,” he added.

“Oh,” Arthur said, trying to ignore the feeling in his he had grown used to, a feeling that he was sure was akin to dying, “like those really, really sweet desserts your dad makes?”

Lewis laughed again, but this time it was softer; warmer. “Yeah, like those,” he almost whispered. 

Arthur’s face felt as hot as a pepper. “Well, I-- I guess that’s a nice compliment, then, uh… due to… due to how much you like you’re parents and all that.” Ah, there it was. The part where Arthur began acting like a weirdo and fucking everything up. “Uh… thanks?”

Lewis was still smiling, a smile that was different than his normal one but no less beautiful; this one sweeter and gentler and made Arthur feel like his heart had wings. “You’re the one who would never hurt a fly,” he said. “If I get mad enough, I could probably kill someone.”

“Yeah, sure,” Arthur said.

He loved Lewis so much.

He could never imagine Lewis hurting anyone.

* * *

_Now all I hear it the wind;_  
_there's a storm blowing through._  
_ Did I mistake or forsake my love_  
_ now that I gave it to you?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i need to go to school. instead, i am here. asdghslgd bye


	2. now all i hear is the wind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's two months later, and Arthur is in the most pain he has ever been in his entire life.
> 
> And that's BEFORE he hears the terrible news.

Two months later, Arthur woke up in the most pain he had ever been in during his entire life. 

He blinked  groggily up and the bright, garish lights shining down on him; his head was fuzzy and his left arm hurt  _ so bad. _

Wait -- his left arm--

It was  _ gone. _

Then Arthur remembered the cave.

He screamed, and immediately tried to sit up right, not being able to think well enough to know that was a terrible idea. 

"Hey, whoa, what are you doing?!" Arthur heard a familiar voice call, but his head was spinning too much to see who it was. He was almost certain it was his uncle.

"Whhhh… whhhat hh…" he could barely make the words leave his mouth; everything was foggy from the medication and the still-lasting pain and blood loss. "I th...thought… we w...hhhh...were i...hhhhhh...nn… a c-ca… c...hhhhh…"

"Don't worry about that right now," Uncle Lance said, his voice softer than Arthur had ever heard in his life. "You don't need to worry about it. Not now."

"M… my ar...m…"

"I know, I know." Arthur could feel hands easing him back down to his pillow. His uncle continued to whisper, "I know, I know, I know…" 

Arthur fell back asleep, his uncle's whispers becoming white noise.

And he had the strangest dream.

He knew he was dreaming. They were back in that cave, the one they had been in… today? Yesterday? To Arthur, it felt like it had been just seconds ago. But he was in the hospital now, wasn't he?

He tried to remember what had happened, why he was in the hospital. His brain seemed less foggy now that he was asleep, but he still couldn't seem to figure out what would happen. He guessed he would just watch to see what played out in the dream.

They were there, in the cave, standing on that ledge. He remembered that part. Everything after was blank.

Then, he heard a voice. An odd, enthralling voice.

_ You want him.  _ The voice said, and even in dreams, Arthur could feel a chill go down his spine. The dream-Arthur froze, tensed.

_ 'What?' _ Arthur thought.

_ You want him, _ the voice repeated.  _ I can tell. _

_ 'Huh? How did you know?' _

_ I understand you. _

_ 'What?!' _

_ I know you better than you know yourself. _

_ 'Who are you?!' _

_ I am everything,  _ the voice said, and as it spoke, the cave began to fill with a green mist.  _ And I can help you. _

Arthur felt himself let go of Lewis as his body went limp.  _ 'What do you mean?' _

_ You're afraid,  _ the voice continued, and Arthur knew that normally this would really freak him out, but for some reason, he wasn't now. He felt very inclined to listen.

_ You've been  _ feeling _ things recently. Things that scare you, upset you; things you'll never be able to admit. Things about  _ him. 

Arthur was staring at Lewis.

_ You're afraid of messing up, _ the voice continued,  _ and making him and your other friend hate you. Doing the wrong thing, saying something uncalled for… accidentally letting him know just how much you  _ love  _ him. And at this rate, you’re going to. _

_ ‘Oh.’  _ Arthur’s brain seemed to shut down. As the voice was speaking, a fog had begun to fill the cavern, making Arthur dizzy and filling his entire vision with a sickly shade of green.  _ ‘What do I need to do?’ _

_ Let me help you,  _ the voice said.  _ I am everything. I can help you. You must allow me to. _

_ ‘Oh. Okay. Do what you need to do, I guess.’ _

It was then the dream turned for the worse. Arthur lost all control. His brain seemed to be working at full capacity now, and he immediately knew he had made a mistake…

But there was no turning back. The green had completely taken over his vision now, and he couldn’t see anything; not even Lewis, who was standing right in front of him. The entire right side of his body went numb, and his ears filled with static, and he had no idea what was happening anymore.

And then, all of his senses came back in a painful rush, especially his arm, which was filled with the most agonizing pain he had ever felt in his life. His hearing came back to hear Vivi screaming and sobbing. His sight came back not only to see that Lewis was no longer in front of him, but something else was, big and white and menacing and  _ familiar  _ \-- it looked liked Vivi’s  _ dog,  _ but bigger, and with significantly more tails, but Arthur was almost certain that this was Vivi’s dog nonetheless -- was  _ holding Arthur’s entire arm in its mouth. _

Arthur jolted awake and screamed. 

“Oh my god!” a voice called -- not Uncle Lance this time -- and Arthur felt hands -- smaller than Uncle Lance’s hands -- pressing down on him. “Holy shit, Arthur, lay back down!”

“V… Vi… ?” Arthur could hear the heart monitor besides him going nuts. 

“Yeah, yeah, it's me. Relax, okay? For the love of god, Arthur, you lost an arm, you need to lie down.” Arthur did not lie down. He had so many questions, and he needed answers  _ now. _

“Wh… what ha… happened?” he managed to force out this time, trying to stop breathing as hard. None of the breaths seemed to fill his lungs the way they were supposed to. He felt woozy and confused. 

“Listen, I… I don’t know, I can’t remember,” she said. “My head hurts, and I can’t remember anything that happened once we went into the cave.” Arthur’s vision was swimming, but he knew that Vivi was chewing on her lip. Chewing on their lips was a habit that both of them had -- Vivi tended to do it when she was thinking, if she wasn’t sticking her tongue out, and Arthur did it when he was nervous. “For a while we thought I had a concussion, but they said from a medical standpoint, there’s nothing wrong with me.”

“L...L… where’s L…L...Lew…” 

“Huh?”

“Lew… is… where’s L-Lew… wis…” 

Vivi stared at him, confused. “What?” she asked.

Arthur was really beginning to freak out.“Lew… Lewis! Where… is Lewis!”

“Ugh, Arthur, not you too! I have no idea what you’re talking about!”

“What… do you  _ mean…?!”  _ The heart monitor was going crazy again, and his head was spinning at a more rapid pace, and he couldn’t  _ breathe _ \--

Then the door opened.

“What’s going on?” Uncle Lance asked.

“I don’t know!” Vivi exclaimed, obviously panicking herself. “He just-- he started asking me those questions that I don’t understand and then he started freaking out!”

Arthur could vaguely see his uncle walking further into the room, and setting something down on the little table besides Arthur’s bed. He had probably gone to get something to eat. “Hey, lad,” Lance said, “you need to calm down. I’ll explain everything I can once you calm down."

Arthur tried to slow down his breathing. He heard his uncle saying something to Vivi, and then felt her put a hand on his shoulder.

"I'll be back," she said gently. "Hang in there, okay? Everything will be okay, okay?" He felt her kiss his forehead, and then she was gone.

Lance set a hand on Arthur's arm now. "I'm going to get you some water," he said. "I want you to drink all of it, and then I'll tell you what happened."

Arthur nodded, and for a moment, Lance was gone again. When he came back, he had a small cup of water, and offered it to Arthur. "Drink all of it," he said.

Arthur reached out -- wait, no he didn't, because he didn't have the arm he was trying to reach out with anymore. He looked at the void where his arm used to be, and felt his heartbeat and breath speed up again. "My  _ arm…"  _ he began.

"Drink the water, Arthur. I'll help you." 

Arthur nodded, trying to take deep breaths, and went to grab the cup again, this time with the arm he still had. He was trembling, so Lance also kept hold of the cup and Arthur lifted it to his lips and drank all of the water inside it.

Once the cup was empty, Lance pulled it away. "Okay," he said, softly and slowly. "How are you feeling?"

Arthur couldn’t find it in himself to answer. He was busy trying to take deep breaths; to stop his lungs from burning and his head from spinning. He shrugged, the movement reminding him of his missing arm again, and he had to take another deep, deep breath. 

He could feel his uncle’s eyes on him, then he heard his uncle sigh. “Give me your hand, Arthur.” Arthur blinked at him. He wasn’t often like this. Arthur gave him his hand anyway, setting his hand into Lance’s far-larger palm. Lance then placed his other hand on top of Arthur’s so Arthur’s hand was completely enveloped. “Okay, now I need you to look me in the eye.”

And Arthur did, despite how hard the dizziness he felt made it to do so. Lance’s eyes had a strange softness -- a  _ sadness,  _ almost -- to them.

“Arthur,” he said, “Lewis is missing. They can’t find him anywhere.”

...What?!

“And… your other friend? They asked her questions about him to see if she had any leads but… she doesn’t remember him. Not at all. She got really confused during the questioning. Acted as if she had never heard his name in her life.”

Arthur’s lungs and brain stopped working again. He couldn’t breathe. He could hear the beeping of his heart monitor as it once again lost its mind, and he could hear his uncle calling his name and telling him to “breathe, lad, breathe!” but…

But  _ Lewis… _

Lewis was  _ gone. _

For a moment, Arthur was gone too; he had fainted, and was out cold until the next day.


	3. and you felt so far away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur is struggling to get back on his feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing is hard, man. i feel like this chapter is super short, but its probably the same length as the other ones. idk, sorry regardless! thanks for reading :^)

Arthur's life was, in simple terms, a mess.

In less simple terms, Arthur's life was all over the place, actual living hell, and he felt lost and sad and confused and he didn't know what to do or if he could do anything or how he was supposed to live like this and how he wanted to climb into a dark hole and die there---

The fact that he had lost his arm was the least of his concerns. Yeah, it hurt like hell, and he could barely function, and sometimes forgot that it was even gone and it caused quite a few issues in and of itself, but it was the least of his problems.

Lewis was  _ gone.  _ They had told him that while he was in the hospital -- “they” not only being his uncle, but the police and Mrs. Pepper herself, too. Mrs. Pepper, of course, had been worried -- Lewis was her  _ son,  _ and he was  _ missing,  _ and Arthur’s chest ached just  _ thinking  _ about how worried she must have been -- but she still seemed determined; resolved. “We’re going to find him,” she had said. “We will.”

But now, it seemed like her resolution and determination was deteriorating. Because it was another couple of months later, and Lewis was still  _ gone. _

Like,  _ gone _ gone. Like, hadn't seen him in two months gone. Hadn't seen him since they went into that creepy cave gone. Since the night Arthur lost his arm, gone. 

And that freaked Arthur out way more than the arm situation.

And despite everything, Vivi still couldn’t seem to remember Lewis for the life of her. 

Arthur was in a state of panic. The Peppers ended up temporarily closing down their restaurant, giving themselves time to search and even  _ mourn _ , and Arthur was missing his best friend and an arm and he didn’t know what to  _ do--- _

Well, it’s hard to do anything when you’re barely functional.

Arthur spent a long time trying to get back on his feet. A long time in which he  couldn't sleep, could barely eat, and couldn’t be alone for too long without his anxiety getting the best of him. Vivi basically had to move in; insisting on making sure he was at least  _ trying  _ to take care of himself, and trying to be available to him if he needed her. 

And the nightmares. 

_ Oh,  _ the nightmares. 

Every single night, the nightmares. They were almost always the same, with a few variations; sometimes, what the voice said was different -- it could be more persuasive or less persuasive depending on this night -- but his dream self always listened. 

They always ended with Lewis gone.

They always ended with Arthur’s arm in Mystery’s mouth.

Well, okay. It still didn’t look too much like Mystery, but Arthur was sure that it was. And when Vivi started basically living with him, she brought the dog with her, and Arthur didn’t want to hurt either of their feelings, but… well… the dog had almost started to  _ scare  _ him. He couldn’t be in the same room with Mystery if Vivi wasn’t there with them. He could barely even look at him. 

Days would go on, nightmares would pass, and Lewis would still be gone. The nightmares turned into sleepless nights and Arthur began to  bury himself in work, trying to keep himself distracted until he was well enough to do something  _ else, _ to help-- help…

Help do what? What could he do? He couldn’t think of  _ anything. _

That being said, he had to get back on his feet before he  _ could  _ do anything. And that meant figuring out the arm situation. 

And then he realized that he could probably make a prosthetic arm himself. 

The new arm became his only focus; he threw himself into the project, clinging to it like a lifeline. He gave up on trying to do basically anything else -- be barely slept or ate -- wanting to get that over with so he could figure out what to do next. That is, until Vivi had something to say about it.

One evening (it was probably evening; Arthur had stopped paying attention a long time ago), Vivi had slipped into Arthur’s room. She had been staying with him for quite some time now -- she had taken over his living room, with the pull-out bed from Arthur’s couch out and her stuff in baskets on the floor -- but Arthur had barely seen her, as he had been hauled up in his room all the time. He didn’t even notice her as she tiptoed across the room, nor did he notice as she placed a plate on the edge of his desk. He didn’t notice her until he had picked up his pencil to erase something and she suddenly wrenched his chair backwards and turning it so he could see her. He screamed, failing and nearly falling off the chair, and looked up at her. She was standing with her hands firm on her hips, moving one to grab the plate off his desk and shove it into his hands.

“You’re killing yourself,” she said. “You need to eat. Please?”

Arthur stared at her, and then at the plate. “Did… did you make this?” he asked.

“Yeah, yeah, I know I’m not a good cook,” Vivi said, her concern masked as annoyance, “but it wasn’t that hard to make and I can’t imagine any way I could have fucked it up.” Arthur continued to stare at the plate. And then it hit: he loved Vivi  _ so much. _

And then he started crying.

“Oh, shit!” Vivi said. “Did I do that? You don’t need to eat it--”

“No, no, no, ‘m fine,” he said, “it’s just--”

“Is it because of, uh, Lew… Lewis? That’s his name, right?”

“No… I mean, yes, that’s his name, I just--” he wiped his face. “I-I-- what would I do without you?”

Vivi snorted, but there was a gentleness to her face. “I dunno,” she said. “Starve?

Arthur laughed, tears still streaming down his face. “I guess,” he said.

He had also realized how  _ bad  _ he felt for Vivi. He just couldn’t imagine what it was like for everyone to be talking about this person she should know -- they had been best friends; they had been dating! -- but she couldn’t remember a single thing about him. His heart broke for her. 

“You’re, like, the best,” he said.

“Aw, thank you! Now don’t let my hard work to go to waste.”

He wondered if she was hurting, even if she didn’t show it.

She sat down on his bed. “Do you wanna talk about what’s going on?” she asked.

Arthur had already taken a bite of what she had made him -- not bad! -- and hastily swallowed. “Not really,” he said.

“Aaaarrrrtiiieee,” Vivi whined.

“What?” 

“It’s obviously tearing you up. What you’re doing isn’t healthy. You know what is healthy?  _ Talking about things.” _

Arthur couldn’t tell her that he missed Lewis so much it felt like he had been stabbed in the heart. 

He couldn’t tell her that every night in his dreams, her dog bit his arm off.

He couldn’t tell her that every night in his dreams he heard her screaming bloody murder; shrieking and sobbing like her heart had been pulled out of her.

He couldn’t tell her that he felt like, somehow, it was his fault.


End file.
